Some Thoughts

The Bad (the past 2 weeks)

Why is it so easy for some people and not for others. I hate being in this position yet again. I hate waiting for phone calls. I hate trying too hard. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling alone. This fucking sucks. Fuck. When my mind is in turmoil I can't turn it off. I have trouble sleeping. And I really need more sleep right now. I hate how after working 11 days straight and sick for the last 4, I can only conditionally enjoy my 2 precious days off. I hate how when I needed him the most he wasn't there for me. I'm sick of short-term relationships that never seem to go anywhere for me. I hate that I cried at work for the first time in my life TWICE last week (work-related tears, not to do with this shitty love business although that certainly did not help). And now I hate how stupid this entire rant sounds and that I'm starting to sound like Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You.

The other day at work one of the servers asked me why I never smiled. Because I'm too busy trying to make sure I don't fuck up and give my boss more reasons to tear me new assholes during service. Oh yea, and I got kicked off the line last Saturday. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. It's always been my biggest fear. I guess it's "good" to have that one under the belt to motivate me to make sure as hard as I can never to let it happen again. A stretch, but that's as positive as I can be about it.

The Good
I have another month and a half-ish to go, but at the end of May/beginning of June I will be leaving this restaurant and going over to this restaurant. Working at the Boylston Sel has been amazing because we are right next to L'Espalier, our sister restaurant. Both kitchen crews mingle and mix as we rush about getting ready for service--our restaurants are joined together by a common prep kitchen (into which shoppers wandering through the Boylston Arcade of the Pru can peep into and stare at me while I'm slicing pancetta like a maniac on our commercial meat slicer -.-). While we fight over the same equipment frequently, overall, there is a pretty wonderful cameraderie between the restaurants. I'm super excited about this next step I'm making.

I was chatting with my brother today who congratulated me and encouraged me to stay focused on my goals. He reminded me that I'm finally starting to see the fruits of the hard work I've put into trying to become a professional cook. It was encouraging just having someone who I care about recognize this. I still have a long ways to go before I get to where I want to be (which is what? a sous chef? chef? owner? caterer?), but I do think that I can at least say that I'm gaining a little momentum in my career. And all I mean by that is that I feel like I'm going in the right direction despite the ups and downs. For now, that is sufficient.

The Gray
I get angry, pissed, lonely, sad, confused, jaded, cynical, mean...

but then I stop to think about how lucky I am to have a wonderful family who is proud of me even though they still don't understand what I'm doing with my life. Parents and a brother who are there to bail me out, help me, encourage me, love me, and stand by me when I'm feeling down...

and then I remember all the great girlfriends who have been there for me (and who I've been there for) through heartbreak, breakups, unrequited crushes, requited crushes, laughed and shaken their heads at me when I tell them my adventures and shenanigans, cooked for me, made me laugh, been happy for me when good things happen and sympathetic through the bad stuff, check in on me when they know I'm going through tough times, and kept in touch with me when I've been distant...

and then I read the news and am reminded that the problems in my life are problems that come with a life that's blessed. I don't have to survive through earthquakes, genocide, poverty, or endure not having basic civil rights...

and thinking about all these things, I try not to lose perspective.

Which is hard, because I'm realizing more and more how self-absorbed I am. I'm not the only person struggling with finding life purpose, gaining footing in a career, finding/losing love. I'm not the only person who feels alone.

It's really funny, recently I've been bumping into people who haven't seen me for a while (aka aunties and uncles from my old church...parents of my old church friends, etc), and everyone keeps on exclaiming in a surprised tone (in Chinese), "Zhang da la!" ("Aha! You're grown up!")

I would like to point out here, on this blog, that I am 28 and have in fact been "zhang da la" for several years now.

Also, for some reason a lot of my friends who haven't seen me in a while (my peers this time not middle aged Chinese parents) keep on asking me if I'm still living with my parents in Lexington.

I would like to point out here, on this blog, that I have not lived at home with my parents for the past 2 and a half years. I live in Somerville. In an apartment. With 2 other girls. So...no, I am not one of those cool late twenties girls on the verge of owning her own house or condo..nor will I be anytime soon on my lowly cooks' wage...

BUT I can say with pride that I do not live with my parents anymore.

I've grown up.

Sort of.